Thursday, December 2, 2010

The World Will End While Your On The Toilet

I said we probably wouldn't be able to post this week, I lied.

Here is the dilemma and I'm sure we have all been there, your on the toilet enjoying your favorite book and then you go to grab some toilet paper and there is nothing left. SSSCUSE ME???

What does one do in this situation? I also wait minute or so and hope some toilet paper magically appears. "Santa came early this year, here is some Charmin Ultra ." You really don't have to many options so here are a few:

1.) Ask the Audience. Scream for someone to bring you some and hope your not all out. This is a good method just scream really loud and hope someone is home.

2.) Phone a Friend. Text/call someone and tell them, less awkward but not as personal. What if they don't have there phone?

3.) Get in the shower and "hose off". While I have never personally done this I have heard stories of it happening and frankly I think its gross, really gross. This isn't a 3rd world country poop goes in the toilet and you go in the shower. You wouldn't wash yourself off in the toilet would you?

4.) The Waddle Method. If you are home alone and there is toilet paper in another room, sometimes you just got to waddle like a duck to get the toilet paper. I'd advise to you flush before you leave the bathroom. Once you grab the TP immediately go to the nearest bathroom to wipe.

5.) Towel Clean. Take a towel and use it, I find this also very gross and would advise you to throw away the towel after and do not try to flush it.

6.) Be a Man Use Your Hand. I do not advise you to do this at all. I'm not even sure why someone would do it. I'm sure someone maybe has but frankly once its on your hand then you have to use something to get it off and a lot of people would probably vomit. Just a big mess.

I am sure many smart people would say "Well keep the toilet paper in the bathroom." That sounds good in theory but for some reason my family thinks an appropriate place for toilet paper is in the hallway, or down stairs sometimes in the dinning room that we barely use. When you have to go really bad you don't think "Well I better go out of my way to get some toilet paper" so sir you go straight to the porcelain express.

Also this is another toilet dilemma I am sure some people face. Have you ever actually checked to see if theres toilet paper, and really had to go and you had to make the decision whether theres enough toilet paper on the roll or not. Sometimes if you get the soft fluffy kind that "makes your butt feel like a baby's bottom" it can be very misleading.  Then when you realize you made the wrong decision you are sitting there looking at this one thin square and wondering how this is going to work out. MacGyver that shit.

Here is the situation I was in the other day which made me bring this up. We were watching Harry Potter (Mom, Dad, Brooks and his girl friend) and Mom got a call so I decided it was the perfect time to go number 2 because she could talk on the phone for days. I had to go so bad that I ran upstairs and did my business (and actually was reading the harry potter book that was the same as the movie tmi I know). Well I was careless and realized there was no toilet paper. After waiting a minute for some mythical creature to bring me toilet paper (it would 've been nice to have a house elf) I went with method number two and texted Brooks. His response "No lol look on the shower handle first"........Really? He eventually brought me some.

Anyway I thought this was a funny subject and would share it. But by far the worst part of being stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper is that it smells like shit.

6 comments:

  1. i am dying.
    "it would 've been nice to have a house elf"

    LMFAO

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  2. ok so this is brooks and i could have sworn i hid some in the shower handle for situations just like this. and your welcome for bringing it to you

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  3. Anonymous number 1- Dobby can pop up wheneer harry needs something why can't a non dead house elf pop up for me?

    Brooks- Thank you very much :) but clearly doug found your hidden stash. He doesnt know the rule "if you finish it you repinish it"

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  4. This falls in the same category as the saying "The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."

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  5. LOL REYNOLDS THIS IS THE BEST BLOG YET. No joke. I am very close to death because of all of the laughter. Anyway - you failed to address the problem of PUBLIC BATHROOM TOILET PAPER RUN-OUTAGE. If you ask someone, you're a creeper.
    I mean I never poop in a public bathroom so I guess I can always drip dry but that's soo uncomfortable...You never really get dry enough lemme tell ya. Once again TMI but hey what are blogs for?
    -Goose

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  6. hahahahhahahhahahaha that comment was hilarious!! I'll write a follow up about public bathroom, bc I have a hilarious story about running out in a public bathroom lol. I died when you said drip dry lol rofl.
    -twin

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