Thursday, August 18, 2011

Brain Eating Terrorist.

If you pay any attention at all to the news, and by news I mean Yahoo! news because that's all I look at (and twitter), then you know about these brain eating amoebas...


Did I really just say that? YUP. A brain eating amoeba. Let that sink in for a few seconds.

This mother trucker thinks he can just swim up your nose and chow down on your brain. This my friend is what gamers and horror movie enthusiast like to call zombies. Zombies should be the only thing eating brains around these parts!

How does one get there brain eating you may ask? Well you go swimming in a warm body of fresh water. Then it gnaws up you brain until you die. I imagine that there a quick way to check if you have this (besides symptoms like headache, vomiting and stiff neck) is to knock on your head and listen to see if it sounds hollower.

They say to avoid shallow water and stirring up the bottom.

Oh that's nice, I feel better.


You know what I am going to avoid? Water. Yup, no water. I will go about and by more deodorant tomorrow. I will only shower once a week with freezing cold water. and my face will not be washed near the nose.

Also a good precaution...I'd say don't pick those boogers! I bet those little zombie can't dig through boogers.

They say you die from within 1 to 12 days after swimming and being taken over. So, for instants, lets say you get sick with what you think is the flew. I think we have all had those symptoms for a few days and lived...because it was the flew. NOW along with feeling like crap and worrying when we will finally be able to hold down proper food and have a mouth that doesn't taste like vomit...we have to worry about an amoeba eating our brains (if we had been in the water recently).

Apparently these don't live in pools and these things happen all the time. Like once a year. OH that makes me feel better too. Glad its semi common. Glad its not a temporary thing that will be over once winter hits.

3 deaths this summer, two of them being children (well child and teenager). That's just plain sad and scary! Summer is almost over so here just a warning...if you get those symptoms go to the hospital.

I wonder if you feel it eating your brain? BLEEGGGHHH. Gross right? Does your brain hurt now? Mine does.

I'm much more comfortable swimming with can see know what is happening the whole time. They are very straight forward attackers. Sure they aren't ever 100% sure whether they want to eat you or not but hey when you go to that new restaurant you take a big out of your food too before you swallow it down. Frankly getting eaten whole by a shark really says something good about your taste and hygiene.

Anyway I just have one question about this Amoeba situations.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

An Axe forgets what a Tree Remembers

Today I ordered a set of 10 throwing axes. Why? You ask. There is a simple reason.

Douche-bag drivers.

We have all seen them, the slow driver, the fast driver, the one that rids your ass, the girl with makeup, people distracted by phones, bikes, ones with kids jumping around in the back seat, mini vans, people who ride your ass even though you aren't going slow, kids playing in the street, motorcycles, people who pass you in no pass lanes people who don't use their turn signals, people who decided to stop right before they want to turn on a major road almost causing a pile-up, red light/stop sign runners, bad parkers, a few stereotypical Asian, teenagers, old and female drivers (no offense), and lastly STUDENT DRIVERS.

I am pretty sure you can't sit there any tell me that none of these people have ever annoyed you? You can't, because at some point you have interacted with some of these people, or all of the these people, and they did piss you off. Don't try and act like you don't get road rage...we all get road rag even a little...just like how everyone has that one place they feel 100% comfortable picking there nose...some peoples is in the car.

Well I have the perfect solution. Today while my aunt and I were on our way home from the store we were in lane that was ending to turn into her neighborhood. Mind you I was doing everything right, I had slowed down a bit and had my turn signal on. (I offend refer to this as a blinker) There are cars in the other lane, no one beind me until BAM!

No I didn't get in a car accident.

But some idiot in there BMW Daddy probably bought them decided they were going to use the ending lane to pass aunts neighborhood is right towards the end of the ending lane and this mother trucker
is flying all the way up my ass.

Homie don't play like that.

So they almost hit us and then the car beside us because they wanted over and the lane was ending. Well dumb ass you shouldn't have pulled that little stunt. This is why people get killed and its a shame. Idiots.

Well here is the solution- throwing axes.

When someone pisses you off driving you take that throwing axe out of your glove compartment and you throw it right into the back window of who ever is pissing you off...if it is a biker (use caution they could be a Hell's Angel) you can throw it in their back tire.

And if anyone trys to axe you about it then you can axe them upside their head.

Now this person who pissed you off is probably fearful of their life at this point and pulled over to the side of the road. GET THEIR LICENSE PLATE. You aren't done yet. They will try to to report need to axe the windows of there house so they know you mean business.

It works best if you learn how to throw with your left hand, unless your in England...then you probably should learn with your right.

Be careful not to hit anyone or your become an axe murderer. This is simply just to teach people how to drive.

Oh and if you see one of those people riding their bikes on a busy road...there is a nice spot in the leg the stop that. Or the back will do. They won't be doing any biking ever again.

This little girl is practicing her axe handling skills because she doesn't take shit from bad drivers.

Hope Everyone Has a great day! Make sure to drive good ;)

once again...this is a joke...I wouldn't axe a car.